Solitaire People

I was born solitaire – “alien” in the popular vernacular. Don’t get me wrong, I always had a little gang, friends and stuff, but there were times when I just needed a break from people.

Time went by and I even got married! Who would say! It was an abusive one, of course – but there you go, I took the risk and even tried to work it out anyway. That marriage took seven years of my life, most of my twenties. It gave me a child – the most precious thing ever – and a couple of scars that I hope writing will help me to wash it off soon.

Writing always functioned as a sort of an exorcising for me. I wish a simply cold shower could do the dirty job.

 And here I am, back to where I should never have left, the same place where I found myself embraced as a teenager: writing peacefully in a cafe in my hometown, eavesdropping silly conversations about trivia that really do not interest me, finding landscapes and more meaningful dialogs between characters in my head. Very arrogant  mental of me.

Again, don’t get me wrong: last month I even gave dating a try! Out of stepping out of my comfort zone for a change, It wasn’t bad at all, I’m just not ready.

Last week I turned thirty and I caught myself doing the exactly couple of things that a did  at fifteen: writing, browsing about fictional characters, reading. Should I be worried that I didn’t moved forward in life?

Should I be more worried that I actually moved forward (marriage, career, kid) and come BACK? Let me throw my two cents on “moving forward”: what you may call moving forward, for me, was a major kickback. If Fernando Pessoa didn’t play a huge part in my way of life, with his “everything is worth it when the soul is not small” I would be in serious emotional rehab right now.

Moving forward has nothing to do with fulfilling a silly imposed life-checklist. I may have moved back, but my heart  is a little redder and the pleasure of my own company is not so much taken for granted. Besides, driving my kid to school with a respectful 70’s soundtrack  gives me a whole wilder perspective on how, maybe, I moved just a little forward. If not forward, a little deeper.